November 16, 2008

It's complicated...

Apparently "It's complicated" has become such a popular saying in recent days. I've heard that phrase alot the past week and noticed how inadquate that phrase is as when used to answer or respond a question.

"It's complicated" is small, simple phrase but it's probably the strongest thing I can say to describe my life right now. Like its so hard to explain that so someone without giving too much information yet satisfying their understanding of what you actually wished you could say. All the while expressing your sincere desire to give more of yourself but secretly masking the fact that you have not built the trust in them you need to give away that part of yourself again.

"It's complicated." What I found interesting this week is that "It's complicated" is not a good enough excuse any more. As I prepare to move to DC I start to wonder what I will say to my son when he questions, "why he only sees daddy sometimes now?" I wonder will "It's complicated" be a good enough answer for him? (I doubt it.) I wonder how I will find the nerve to respond "It's complicated." When the real asnwer is "Mommy and Daddy still love you and your sister very much. But, we didn't do what we needed to do to love each other. Instead we just did what was easy to do." (That's the real answer but in reality what ever answer I give to him will not be good enough to make up for the times I haven't been there becuase "It's complicated" got in the way.)

I wonder how many times I'm going to let "It's complicated" get in the way of what I know I should be doing, yet never seem to actually try to do until my back is against the wall. I really wonder. If I don't make the right moves and quit fuckin' around, "It's complicated" is going to get me killed.

Real talk.

That Bougie One.

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